NOVEMBER 26, 1993

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

PSYCHED OUT

Personal power

by Keith A. Oliver, Ph.D.

Personal power, where do I connect? Personal power describes the degree of control an individual has over his life. There are many events, circumstances, and people over which we have no control. Therefore, it is important that we maximize the things over which we do have some influence.

The one variable which we either have control or can learn control is of our self: our thoughts, our feelings, our behavior. As a result of minimizing this control, we hold onto or reclaim our personal power. Maintaining our personal power, or reclaiming our personal power keeps us from becoming victims and moves us through survival to productive and prosperous living.

To develop and maintain personal power it is important to examine ownership regarding a particular situation. Am I vague about my wants? Do I always try to please others? Am I in touch with my feelings? The answers to these questions may indicate whether or not personal power has been given away. A person utilizing their personal power is direct about their wants, is aware of what they are feeling and, although aware and sensitive to others, is able to set limits. Therefore, it is important to know yourself as self-awareness enhances ownership.

To aid in this process, it is helpful to complete an in-depth self-assessment. The assessment is most helpful when conducted in the context of friendships, work, family, and other situations in which you want to determine your level of personal power. The purpose of the assessment is not to assign shame or blame, but to facilitate an understanding of what is in your control. The assessment needs to be honest yet loving and gentle. Beating yourself up only serves to make you feel powerless and promotes victimization.

Several characteristics are key to having personal power. Assertiveness (not aggressiveness), positive self-esteem, the ability to problem-solve, willingness to take risk, and a strong support system each facilitate achieving and maintaining personal power. However, the most important characteristic may be the ability to accept responsibility for what is in your control, and to refuse to accept responsibility for what is not.

For example, it is sometimes very easy for us to accept responsibility for the bad or traumatic things that happen to us. When we do this, and we are not responsible, we give up our personal power. As lesbian, gay and bisexual people we are often the victims of prejudice, discrimination, harassment, and hate just for being who we are. We are not responsible for this, or for the consequences thereof.

We are responsible for how we think, feel, and behave in the face of these judgments. Thus, it is important for us not to blame ourselves, or each other. Instead, we must learn to reclaim our personal power in our own unique and individual way.

The first step in this process is to work through any of the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that serve to keep us victims of the situation. This is a necessary first step, and how long this step takes is an individual process. By working through this first step we become free to develop alternative thoughts, feelings and behaviors to enhance empowerment. As individuals and as a community, it is important that we support, nurture and love ourselves and each other as we all strive to maintain or reclaim our personal power; knowing that I do not have to make you powerless in order to have my own personal power.

Dr. Oliver is a psychology post-doctoral trainee with Mark Harris and Associates.

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